By: Sherina Nicole
5:30 pm on the train headed home. I am tired, most certainly NOT in the mood, and looking forward to going home and unwinding. A man and woman get on the train and appear to be arguing. My headphones are acting up so there is no way to tune them out, and I am not losing my seat. “But you don’t understand. I guess we are in an open relationship.” She said it in such a calm and coy tone. The man looked energized and somewhat annoyed. He responded, “No YOU are not listening. This is not what YOU said.”
I noticed myself tuning more into their conversation. Naturally, seeing a woman, who in that moment appeared docile and soft spoken, alongside a man whose energy came off as argumentative and harsh, I knew that at any moment I would thrown him a glare or even suggest he fuck off. So as I listened for the him to trigger me, he proceeded to speak to this woman in a firm tone.
“I am not new to losing myself in order to make a relationship ‘keep’.”
“You guess you are in an open relationship? Is that what what you both agreed to? You told me that was not what you wanted. Has that changed?”
Her response, “well no, I don’t want that but…”
“So then why would you agree to it? If you are not open to dating other people, you are NOT in an open relationship. Why wouldn’t you just listen to yourself?”
Although I do not know their friendship or history and I still do not agree with the tone in which he choose to convey his view, I was happy I hadn’t gone Brooklyn on his ass. Here was a man, a black man, being a real friend to a black woman. Though he certainly could have brought down his tone (that goes for men or women when speaking with me) I appreciated that he had remembered her truth, her real desires, even though she hadn’t, and was friend enough to remind her. His anger was not reflecting anger towards her, but of her denying herself what she and he both know she wanted and somehow, now, what only he remembered she deserved.
I am not new to losing myself in order to make a relationship “keep.” I have lost myself in relationships, more than once, and have had to do the hard work to get back to me, after the relationship died. After each time, I am abruptly reminded that it was not and would never be worth it.
She continued to oscillate between what she actually wanted and what she thought she would have to agree to; he remained consistent, advocating she be an advocate for herself. They got off before me and continued their conversation without me all up in it, so as an eavesdropper, I was not given a resolution. But I did know this, that’s the kind of friend to keep around.
The Fuqs
- You will most likely place yourself in a relationship where your self gets lost. Fight for her/him. You are worth it.
- It is true that is a relationship you will make sacrifices. Your fundamental truths and happiness should never make the list
- If/when you do lose yourself, its OK. Just make sure to create the personal space and time alone and with friends to reacquaint with your Queenness/Kingness.
It is easy to not speak up and “go with the flow” even when the tide is against you. When you see that happening, FUQ that noise. It is never to early to start trusting yourself, your instincts, and your worth.
