Does anyone talk about orgasms anymore?
It is safe to guess that for most of you, if an adult spoke to you about sex, sexual pleasure did not come up. As a black woman, sex- when if discussed at all- has always been framed as a means to create a child. I was made to understand that with sex came the responsibility of child bearing and rearing. How detailed they were on the process on how a child is created varied, but one thing was for certain; sexual pleasure was never ever addressed.
If you don't learn about pleasure, you're fucked.
So with limited exposure to sex and sexual pleasure, the first understanding of an orgasm is learned from porn, movies and our friends who don't know much about sex either. A New York Times article noted how often we are starved for any source of sex education and lean on porn to fill the void. That means that for us, sexual pleasure is understood to be performative. It also means it is all about an orgasm that may not have any idea how to achieve. Sound familiar?
Is sex all about an orgasm?
This is the reality for a lot of us. So now, understanding sex scientifically, kinda, and then only knowing a high level of pleasure, barely, you're fucked. When there is only one of two goals attached to sex, to either make a baby or cum, there is no room left for exploration. Pleasure gets boiled down to orgasm, a reaction that is not always the outcome. A survey done showed that only 25 percent of women achieve an orgasm during sex. Does that mean the other 75 percent of women are failing sexually?
Make Sex Fun Again
NO! Sex, is one of the acts that animals and many people participate in, so how can we not allow flexibility to explore your body and perhaps someone else's?
That is why it is important to learn and practice pleasure play. As a New Year's Resolution, I shared my commitment to touch myself regularly. The reason was not only to cum all over the place but to learn more about me and what excites me. Where is your clitoris? What angles tease you the most? What positions do nothing for you at all? Can you undulate the intensity until you finally release through an exhilarating orgasm?
Dismantling the assumed pressures of sex, and actually allowing time to learn the answers to these questions can drastically change your sex life for the better. Nothing in life is perfect, least of all sex, but it can certainly be fun if we let it be. Check out our article on 5 ways you can tend to yourself, starting today, and see what all the fuss is about. You're worth it.
The FUQS
- Sex is does not need to be science. Let it be tailor made to you.
- An orgasm does not define sexual success. Take the pressure off yourself.
- Give yourself time to find your pleasure. Once you have, you'll wonder how you ever lived without it.
