I’ve been dealing with bouts of depression and lack of motivation. I have been thinking less of myself and operating out of fear by not operating at all. So this week with All The FUQs I’m taking a moment to reflect and be kind to myself. Hard to do but something I’ve learned can get you further than beating yourself up.
I always knew what to demand. He has to love me, be down for me, never cheat never lie. Fight for me when I can’t fight for myself. As far as I can recollect, it has never been difficult for me to profess this to any man or woman who asked. What has always been difficult is holding up my end. And admitting that I am not always as strong and clairvoyant as I would like to ideally be.
What’s To A Woman As A Teenager?
I didn’t learn to feel guilt in a relationship until my mid twenties. In high school, the only story I really knew was the woman scorned and so any of the things I did wrong in my relationship, I tossed away as a reaction to an wrong doing done to me.
I started dating and having sex in high school. Meeting my first boyfriend and sexual partner when I was around fifteen, the only roles I understood a woman to play with a man is the girl who is sweet, reliable and “down.” So put simply, I played my position. My first was the member of a Latin gang and there was never a moment I ever felt completely myself nor completely safe. The lack of safety didn’t only come from hold the hand of man who rock very particular colors everywhere we went; my mind, body and spirit were never really safe either. I drowned out a million “uh-oh” and traded them in for ability to say I had a man. There was so much about myself that I didn’t know or was not ready to embrace, and it was easier to play a position.
Teenage Relationships and Realities
So when the urge to have sex was too loud for me to ignore I chose to share that with him. And when he cheated and gave me an STI, I simply went to the clinic and got the pills I needed and never told a soul. And when I had proof that he was cheating and had potentially gotten someone else pregnant I got angry and loud, all the while hoping he would give me a believable enough apology that I could take him back. When I cried for the months after, I cried over break-up rather than for myself unable to see I was the that mine was the sadder story.
What I learned from that relationship was anger, pettiness, and how to ignore problems. These all came in handy in my next romantic relationships where I dated boys that were selfish, unappreciative, naïve and disrespectful. In retrospect it would have been simple to just be alone, use that energy in my schoolwork but being alone felt award and disarming in high school. No one to dance with at high schools parties, or text when I felt out of place somewhere was debasing.
So instead, I would respond to disrespect by getting incredibly angry and knocking my boyfriends down. When I felt I was being played, rather than break up, I would cheat. I would balance boyfriends, and brag to my girlfriends, laughing at how clueless they were and never felt guilty about it. It felt great! And that granted me the semblance of power and control. But still, breaking up felt like a last resort. The disrespect was so expected and accepted by me. Deep down, I just did not believe I had that many options.
Learning From Mistakes
College and the beginning of my twenties was helpful, beginning a get a better send of self, being exposed to the different versions of what “woman” and “man” can mean. The cheating stopped, the anger has adjusted to more appropriate times to be angry, but questioning myself didn’t. I still went for the guys who made me feel butterflies in the beginning and ignored all the signs that I was not happy in my relationships. I went with what was easy rather than looking for something of value or better yet, chillin’ with just me.
And that takes me to now, where I am in my longest relationship with a man who pushes me to be the best version that I’ve told him I am setting out to be. But more importantly I am finally in a solid relationship with myself. With the help of honest conversations with myself and my family, shared experiences with close friends, the safety of a therapist, and the trust I have in myself, I am finally only beginning to love myself. I am finally attempting to move out of trust rather than fear and its good.
What about you?
THE FUQS
It’s so much easier to yell at yourself than to be kind. And people will rarely let you.
You only fail if you don’t learn from the past and do something different
You can be OK.
