“For black women, the lack of healthy sexual discussion from a young age, has had serious consequences in our discovery of our sexuality, sexual experiences, and our sexual identities.”
Whether you are curious about having sex for the first time or have experience, chances are you've heard sex lies about what sex is supposed to be. In communities of color, sex is typically not discussed at all or discussed improperly and tardily. For black women, the lack of healthy sexual discussion from a young age, has had serious consequences in our discovery of our sexuality, sexual experiences, and our sexual identities.
That all stops now. Here at All The FUQs we are done with the crazy information being spread out here. We've got you covered. Below we have listed the truths about sex, rather than continue supporting ridiculous sexual pressures and falsehoods.
No one really knows what they are doing their first.. second... or third time.
You can (and should) read a lot of literature around sex, intimacy, and sexual expression -- however, that does not mean you will know exactly what you are doing when you are actually participating in a sexual act. Think about it, you can read a bunch of books on basketball, but only practice and experiences really teach you about your body, your pleasure, and your displeasures. Any body who says they were "killin' it" their first time, would immediately get a side-eye from me.
Pleasure is learned, not often automatically known. Masturbating and learning your body is a great first step before committing to any sexual acts with a partner. And then trust the process - and do it loudly. Ok.. I do not mean by groaning (unless that's what you want to do) but more so by encouraging yourself to be curious, speak up for the things you like and don't like and have fun!
Intimacy and Sex are NOT One in the Same
Intimacy can be a part of sex but does not have to be. To be intimate with someone is to gain a close and personal affinity with someone. This closeness can be expressed through sex but can also be expressed in platonic friendships, or sexless romantic relationships. Sex, can also be exclusive of intimacy, allowing for physical closeness absent of emotional knitting.
To many times we say, "I luhhh him/her," and think that means we then have to put out. Or we judge ourselves for our attraction to someone being purely physical and without any intimate intentions. The real is, intimacy and sex can be powerful, separate of each other, but can be heightened when both are true.
It Does NOT Have to be With a Man
Too many times it has been assumed that for a self-identified woman to give up one's virginity to exclusively, break their hymen through vaginal sex with a man . Hell nah. Not true.
To be a virgin is to be inexperienced and naive in a category. Once you have gained experience in a given category, such as through same-sex relations, you can consider yourself, if you choose, as not longer a virgin in that category. There is more than one way to lose your virginity.
Heterosexuals, homosexuals, pansexuals, bisexuals, and the entirety of the spectrum are able to classify new sexual experiences as the lose of a virginity or not, it really is up to you.
Pleasure can and should be a part of it. Make sure you are warmed up and fully into it.
Listen here, if your body is able to self lubricate, than I say, "If it ain't wet, then reject." Meaning if you and your partner are not able to get you to a place of pleasure, so that your vagina becomes wet and lubriacted, then we have more work to do!
With that said, this rule is not so cut and..well.. wet? For some of us, due to physical or mental causes, we can experience vaginal/vulvar dryness. Stress, medications, and products can also play a part.However, that does not mean that pleasure is off the table!
To supplement natural lubrication, there are lubrications and vaginal moisturizers that can be used. To increase sexual pleasure you can also extend foreplay with clitoral and breast stimulation, teasing of erogenous zones, light biting and sensual touches.
P-V virginity loss is not guaranteed to hurt.
The good ol' popping the cherry myth. You may, but are not guaranteed to feel pain when having sex for the first time, when speaking of penis-to-vagina sexual intercourse. The tearing of the hymen (if still in tact) can cause some pain and bleeding but does not for everyone. Funny enough, for many women, they felt more soreness and tenderness their second and third times having something foreign is inserted inside your vagina, like a penis, dildo or finger.
Your questions are valid
ANY question you have about your body itself, or its relation to another is valid. If something, some one, or some action does not sit right with you, dedicate the time and space to figure out why. You will always owe yourself that and are the one that can do it.
the fuqs
Sex is not one size fits all. Okurr
Masturbation can be a great first step to learning your body and how to give yourself pleasure before showing someone else how.
