By: Sherina Nicole
My first time with a man was good, but I still wish I waited.
I traded over my virginity for “faux” womanhood at 15. I am purposefully choosing not to reference the act as a loss, as if I stashed and misplaced my virginity somewhere, taking away the power in my decision and right to choice. I chose to trade in my virginity when I believed I was ready and when I was with a guy who I knew would be gentle and take care of me in that moment-- as much as one teenager can take care of another. I also do not believe that the young man I choose to sleep with stole or took my virginity from me either. He was aware that I was a virgin, and since he was not he fully accepted the responsibility of making the moment safe and comfortable.
My first time was nice. His place was well taken care of and calming. His space and his energy kept me at ease. I knew when we had started dating that he was not a virgin, he hadn’t. I was forthcoming, not wanting to lead him on or put myself in an uncomfortable situation down the road. Once I shared this with him, he was receptive to my lack of interest in having sex. Sure our late phone call were stimulating but I was never rushed. When my body was ready, I shared that with him and we set an evening that could be just ours, time that would allow for me to fully take in the experience. We
I was ready to have sex but that does not mean that I knew exactly what I was doing. When his penis got hard, that was certainly a shock to the system wondering, how exactly I was supposed to fit him inside of me? I had been ready to have sex for a while, and waited until I was sure, but like most things, trying something new is not always easy. It was summer but the house was at a comfortable temperature and his body felt good next to mine.
“I wish I had learned how to play with myself and not be ashamed by it. I wish self-discovery had been encouraged in school and at home. ”
He started by giving me oral sex to make me more relaxed and I suspect to also get me well lubricated. After foreplay, I waited a bit awkwardly under the covers as he went to get a condom. As he put on the condom I was super grateful; he was not “overly endowed” (thank you ancestors) so it was not incredibly difficult for my body to welcome him.
To be honest, past that I do not remember too many details and there are some that I want to keep myself. I know I was not in pain and that afterwards we cuddled. When it began to get late, he took me to the train and made sure I got on safely. My first was not horrific, disappointing, or unwelcome. And yet, I still wish I waited.
For one, now that I know what a real orgasm feels like, boy BAI. There was no way I was going to get that kind of real pleasure at 15. No matter the partner. Not only due to inexperience but because I lacked physical self confidence.
Secondly, I wish I had given myself more time to know my own body. Though not clinically overweight I felt like fat pockets were protruding from my body. (Going to an all girls school where anorexia was a known fad, hadn't helped my insecurities). I had been told before that I was beautiful but I did not fully believe yet. I could acknowledge that my body and mind were ready to explore sex but outside of that I was not fully in tune with that I wanted, physically or spiritually.
I wish I had allowed the time to look at my vulva myself to learn all of the parts that make it up, know what turns me on and off, what I like and do not like. In retrospect, I would have preferred to tell my partner what I like instead of putting all of the control on them. I wish I had learned how to play with myself and not be ashamed by it. I wish self-discovery had been encouraged in school and at home. That time, I believe, would have helped immensely with my self confidence. Rather than basing my joys off of how I could make others feel I believe I would have been more interested and tuned it with myself and what brings me joy. I feel like I have been playing catch-up ever since.
Thirdly, there was still so much I did not now. Hell, even know I am still learning about myself and about how to keep myself healthy. The risks were high and I didn’t even know it.
The FUQS:
Sex, whenever it is had, is more than just an verb; it is an incredibly intimate act that can be beautiful when done with clear and healthy communication.
Who you allow to share your bed should be your choice, and it should be an honest choice. If there is doubt, there is probably a reason for that doubt that should be explored before going any further.
Sex can always and should be celebrated as a learning endeavor that begins and ends with your enjoyment. Have fun!
