Photo Credit: @PHOTOTSBYPHAB
Have you ever had silent sex? Are you silent in expressing your needs in your business and in pleasure? Are you looking for a more expressive experience without feeling performative or awkward?
“So if you don’t know what you want, you can communicate that too! Communication NEVER goes out of style.”
Been there. Sometimes, still there.
I love being loud. I'm a certified groaner and moaner. You can throw in dirty talk too when it's so good and I've just got to let my partner know! I do my best not to overplay my sounds or fake them (post on fake orgasms coming soon), but I’ve done that too.
Why are sex sounds helpful?
For me, making sounds while participating in oral or penetrative sex has always functioned as a means to two goals.
- The first is the release of energy as my body’s sensations are heightened. For me, when my partner is exciting me through sensual kisses, oral sex, long touches or even longer strokes, I feel a vibrating energy ripple throughout my body. This is what causes my nipples to harden and my toes to curl. When it's really intense I feel the need to grip on to something, just to keep some control. But when I let out pants and then exclamations, I am succumbing to my body and letting the energy that was bottled up finally escape. It's an exhilarating release.
- The second goal is to signal to a partner when our positions are really getting me wet or when I need a change. Sex, in my experience has been about learning your body, how your body moves in partnership with others, experimenting and then having some go to’s/ sure winners in your repertoire. Sometimes, when our chosen position or tempo is not doing it for me, I will let me sounds signal my partner. It faster than a full on conversation and sometimes less awkward.
What if I prefer silent sex?
Not all of us like loud or even mumbly sex. Do you feel kind of silly speaking during sex, potentially saying the “wrong thing” or being judged? Maybe you’ve never tried it? Or perhaps you’ve tried it and it is just not your thing? What then?
“The real growth is when you see the way that you approach sex is no different than how you deal with any other situation in your life.”
Well, a sexy whisper has never been a bad policy for me. A, “let's try it this way,” has gotten me to happier pastures more than once. Switching from a louder moan to a less intense one is a noticeable shift that a partner can sense. Then, once you’ve changed your position and your pleasure has gone back up so do your moans. And when I am feeling very sexually confident, well then it is more talk and directional language because I know exactly what I want in that moment.
But what if I don’t know exactly what you want?
That's ok! Sex is all about exploration in any and all forms! Think about, how did you know you liked a certain dish, sport, or TV show before you checked it out for yourself? And what about things you liked when you were younger but no longer like now? Did you force yourself to continue in something that you don’t enjoy or give yourself permission to try something new?
SEX IS THE SAME THING! The real growth is when you see the way that you approach sex is no different than how you deal with any other situation in your life.
“...by the way silent sex, does not only occur in the bedroom.”
So if you don’t know what you want, you can communicate that too! Whether it is your first time or 1000th time with that person or ever in life, communication NEVER goes out of style. Sure, you can read a bunch of books and watch a bunch of shows or porn, but nothing teaches you more than trying things out for yourself. Be real with yourself and your partners, ensure the sexual space is comfortable enough that you can experiment and be patient with yourself
What if my partner is the silent one?
Or what if I don’t know how to tell my partner what I’m thinking?
Why are you silent in bed? Do you prefer no sound? Are you concentrating on something else or thinking about something else? Does it feel too vulnerable? Is any of this true for your partner too?
These are type of questions to tackle before hitting the sack. And by the way silent sex, does not only occur in the bedroom. It a great to always have space and time to speak to your partner about sex away from the bedroom. Don’t build up the pressure for show time!
The FUQs
Communication is KEY! I can’t express it enough.
Sex and sexuality are fluid. Listen to your body’s waves, continuously check-in with yourself and your partner, and go with YOUR OWN flow.
Sex is NOT a performance! If we are not perfect, how can our sex possibly be? Be kind to yourself- honestly that is the hardest but most crucial part.