Last week I shared some go to’s on how to avoid backsliding with an ex-lover, homie and or friend. And you probably read it and thought Facts or She Knows What She’s Talking About. However, you and I know both know it is not always easy to follow steps perfectly. Trust me, I KNOW. It is a black SEX blog after all.
So let’s get into it
I have dealt with severe backsliding syndrome since I was fifteen. I fed off of the drama, the thrill. I found comfort in it.
“Even though it felt like I was answering to emotions without any control, I really held all the cards to my growth. I had all the control over who I would be and who I would be with. I learned by fire.”
At it’s worst, when truly in love a break up is a shock to the system to you both. That’s how it was for me. Though most of my relationships were pushed over the edge by infidelity, they’d been bruised by half truths, immaturity on both our parts, the beginnings of self-discovery, and unresolved arguments. I loved my partner’s and truly felt it was reciprocated.
How was I NOT going to backslide. Often times, no matter the age, you can mold into "one" with your partner. This means two things happen at once. Your partner knows as much about you as you know yourself because you don’t know yourself. Because you are not yourself. Because you chose to melt into one and that means letting go of pieces of yourself to leave room for part of your partner.
How does backsliding happen?
At the same time this is happening to you it is happening to your partner too. So who you know is not fully who they are either. But it is comfortable and it feels safe for the both of you so you stick with it. What a conundrum!
So when you break up and the anger rises and then dissipates, you are left with you, who you dont’t know and the version of yourself you became that your partner knows well. So when they call the first and second time you ignore it. But if they persist, because they know this version of you, you answer. This version of you and the real you are torn.
In no time, or maybe over time, (given your willpower) the version of you that you’ve become wins out. And of course you backslide.
But it feels so good right?
That was my experience. Whether it was puppy love or real love, I was attached. The version of me that was less recognizable did not want to leave what was comfortable- to “do the work” as Iyanla Vanzant would put it. And to be honest, it felt good. When my partner touched me my body answered every, single, time. So did my mind.
“Your partner knows as much about you as you know yourself because you don’t know yourself. Because you are not yourself. Because you chose to melt into “one” and that means letting go of pieces of yourself to leave room for part of your partner.”
It took a lot of silence, boredom, and discomfort just to get back to me. And at times, when I look back it seems like I betrayed myself, morphing and living this portioned version of me. But when I really think about it, I have no regrets. It felt good and it taught me to really listen to my body. Even though it felt like I was answering to emotions without any control, I really held all the cards to my growth. I had all the control over who I would be and who I would be with. I learned by fire.
THE FUQs
- Love is hard and life is even harder. People enter and leave our lives for good reasons. Just have to figure out what they are.
- Silence is good. Really good. Get you some.
- Don’t beat yourself up. Learning is the best part of life. Besides, your to beautiful for that.
