I once took a kickboxing class with a woman with the perfect boobs. Sure, she’d paid for them but they were just something really great to look at. She was very fit, like not even a little lower stomach pooch or anything. She wasn’t the best at kickboxing, but I enjoyed the conversations we had. They distracted from the pain of our intense instructor. It was during one of these chats that she admitted to never having sex with the lights on. Married, healthy, and seemingly super confident - sex with the lights on never happened for her. It didn’t make her feel sexy.

I was 22 at the time and the freshman 15 had turned into the senior 30. The idea of being secure in my body, was just that, an idea. I got drunk when I went out to parties because it distracted me from noticing that no one was asking for my number - at least no one of interest. I hung out with my friends but struggled to look in the mirror for long, periods of time, because - what was the point?

So needless to say, any sex I was having was certainly in the dark. If the moon was shining to bright I was embarrassed. Sex with the lights on was certainly never an option. But hearing this woman who’s body fit the general standard of beauty confess she had the same sex rule made absolutely no sense to me.

Is every woman just fucking blind in the dark?

Now don’t get me wrong, there are definitely some perks to not having sex with the lights on. For one, it does create a sense of mystery. Not knowing how, when, or where your partner is going to touch you until the moment they do can be incredibly sexy. There is a certain freedom that can come over me when the lights are off. As if all judgement is deleted and my body can run the show. With a new partner. the dark make me feel safer to ask for what I want and say what I am not enjoying - mostly because there is not eye contact!

But having sex with the lights on while black comes with a whole host of other challenges. Consider bed head, hair wraps, and du-rags For those of us black women that have larger breasts and asses, the amount of flapping that goes on can just feel ridiculous!

So the question is, how can we have sex with the lights on while black and enjoy it. Not matter our shape, size, endowment, or up-do?

Avoid Fumbling for Condoms/Toys in the Dark

When you are horny, the vide is definitely killed when you have and your partner have to hunt down a condom or your favorite sex toys. The rearranging, turning on your phone flashlight, its just not sexy!

How many have you been there? Bae for the night looking all around for that ONE condom they know that have somewhere. Or you try to reach for you favorite sex toys, have to get out of position, turn on the light dig around and then set the mood all over again!

Bump that! Sex with the lights on can help with that! it helps you to get organized, you can scan the room without the extra bumps and shifts, and get back to having pleasurable sex much faster.

Bed Hair During Sex

Whooo. My melanin people KNOW that sex and hair can sometime feel like a complicated relationship. Wanting to have sex without messing up you “do” or “look” can present a challenge. When having sex with teh lights on, while black, acceptable bed hair can be tricky. if you’ve got longer hair, do you have to twist it up? How can you keep your curls poppin’? If you got a fresh shave and cut, can you keep your du-rag on?

The answer to all of these is hell yes! Check out our drop on bonnets in bed.

Give Your Partner a Better Orgasm

When you can see, you can get it all! When you are able to have morning sex or have sex with the lights on in general, you don’t limit the when and how much pleasure and many orgasms you can have! If you can see, you can more quickly adjust positions and intensity to turn you and your partner on and up. You can avoid object or body parts going where they do not belong/where you don’t want them and watch your partner and she or he plays along your body. You can watch as she/he gives you head and licks your body. And they can see when they are bringing you closer and closer to orgasm and intense pleasure.

Sexy Eye Contact

Ugh. No one ever tells us how AWKWARD having sex can be when you have to actually look at your partner. For one thing, sex faces are notoriously not very hot. I’ve seen some that remind me more someone trying not to pee themselves than what you see on any porno.

But, with a little self- confidence, eye contact during sex with the lights on can be vey telling. For one, those ugly faces are a great tell of whether your partner likes what y’all are doing or not. The uglier the better (unless it looks like they are just in pain…then its time to stop and try something else).

Eye contact can also be a power move. While giving your partner oral sex, fingering, hand jobs or sexual intercourse, eye contact can up the intensity. You, then, get to control your partner’s moans and pleasure and that is hot as hell.

Get into Body Positivity

This one is a biggie. Its a rude awakening when you realize that you don’t quite look like you are in a porno when you are having sex. And thats ok!

Other than missionary and doggy, positions can start to be telling and feel a little crazy fi you are having sex with the lights on.

Baybeh - when I saw how my breasts swing, and don’t jump like those with smaller boobs it was hard to wrap my head around how that could ever be considered sexy. And it became almost impossible to imagine how any partner of mine could see it as sexy either.

The key is NOT to hide away from yourself. So many of us do it but it is such a ridiculous idea when you think about it. How can you really hide from you?

Also, I’ve never EVA been turned down for sex. Let’s be honest, once you are in the throws of things, NO ONE CARES! And body positivity can be incredibly sexy. If you can turn yourself off, you can turn others on, and more importantly, you won’t even care that you can!

So don’t run away from the light! Turn it on and be the sexbot you know you are!

THE FUQS

• What is sexy to you?

• If you are not ready to have sex with the lights on with a partner, start off by yourself. Learn how to turn yourself on first. You’d be surprised how much more confident you'll feel.

• Don’t sleep on morning sex! It is where it’s at.