Before we get too deep into 2019, it may be a good idea to think about what sex tips we might want to bring over from 2018, no?

OK, so we are about half way through the first month of the New Year when everything wrong in your life is supposed to magically change? How’s that going so far?

If you are like most people, your New Year’s resolutions are already getting a bit annoying and maybe a little difficult to continue to justify. That’s the thing about change. It can happen over night if you want it to, but making it last is where the real challenge is. Keeping bad habits, old ways of thinking, and bad choices at bay can be challenging, especially when they just aren’t as fun as those bad habits your trying to drop.

But if 2018 has taught us anything, especially about sex, it should always be as fun for you as it is for your partner. If it’s not, then perhaps there are bad habits and old ways of thinking that need to be reconsidered and thrown out.

So before we really get deep into 2019, what are the lessons that we took away from 2018? What were we supposed to learn?

We Have A Voice

If there is anything that I have learned with 2018, it is that everyone, yes everyone, has a voice. With movements like the MeToo Movement and hashtags like #MeToo, #TimesUp and #MuteRKelly, we have been able to see the power of voices, especially those amplified by a community. It could be that enough whispers were brought together, it certainly has to do with the power of the internet, but without a doubt we have been able to witness the beginning of change.

These movements have not only shown us that we -- women and men of color, black and brown men and women -- have a voice. It has also shown us that our voices can be sharpened to implement positive or negative change. We have seen women like Tarana Burke change whispers into movements, getting us all to see the sexual abuse that those with power (in the public eye or not) will try to push on us. We have also seen certain Presidents use their tweets recklessly as if there are no consequences.

Not every loud voice is right, but when you find one that is - don’t ever turn the volume down. Especially if the voice is yours.

Consent

Now this one is a biggie. For years, on college campuses and the like, we learned about consent, mostly in conjunction with drugs and alcohol. The general summary: if you’re under the influence your ability to give consent goes out of the window. Other than that though- consent was not really a big deal to talk about. Even in sex ed, language around consent, the ability to give or deny it, wasn’t a highlight. Instead, it was more important to see five different animals give birth, even a horse, to horrify us as we watch a baby horse ripping the mother horse’s ass in two. I’ve still got some issues getting that vision out of my head.

So how could we expect to properly speak up for ourselves? As people of color especially, identifying as men or women or something else all together, we are always expected to speak up. It is assumed more often than not that we are always unafraid and emboldened. We are always expected to “know better.” Black men are always supposed to be protectors, and black women are so loud, who would ever dare try something with them? Right? Wrong.Somehow, we are expected to know all the answers when we were only given half the needed information.

This false expectation doesn’t seem to be the case anymore. Regular folk and celebrities alike are finally speaking up against sexual abuse, harassment, and violence. Finally.

My fear, is that with a movement there an expected end date, a time when the movement will cease to exist. So in 2019, it is important to bring the movements, their teachings, and our truths from 2018 with us. The betterment of our communities depend on it.

Pleasure As Part Of Sex

The magical P word. For many of us, if we are being honest with ourselves, experiencing true and overwhelming pleasure during sex is as expected as seeing a unicorn. Pleasure and orgasm do not always work in tandem and should not be assumed to. Orgasm is a moment, or for some women, moments. Pleasure can be had before during and after a sexual encounter and does not even need to include sex at all.

Pleasure is the name of the game in 2019,y’all. If you like getting your pussy licked, let your partner’s know. If morning head gets you going, then let your partner know! If some serious cuddling is needed before you can get in the mood, or after a sex session, let ‘em know!

Pleasure can only happen through communication - preferably verbal. So in 2019 - the speaking up on your do’s and don’ts, your must and mustn’t.

Give yourself permission to have sex, fuck, or make love if your want to, when you want to, and how your want to. No more exceptions to this rule.

The FUQS

• Consent is a non-negotiable

• Test out your voice. It might sound a little scratchy at first, but the more you use it the better it gets

• 2019 is gunna be lit! 2018 helped us out, now its time to have better, pleasurable, more fun sex!